I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize