the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
being pregnant is like rehab
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
whose parrot is this?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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