I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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