Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
