Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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