Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
