Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His hands were made for my vagina.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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