I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
