I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Green mimosas i think yes
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
