the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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