Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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