Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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