Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
