Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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