Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I understand Curling. That high.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
