I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
