Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
