she kept yelling 'call me bella'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
