it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
