Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize