She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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