In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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