R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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