highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
