life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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