I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
