Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
