The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize