You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
