I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
