I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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