I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
