ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He passed out mid-signature
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Randomize
