I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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