cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize