I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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