so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize