I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
