the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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