I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
