He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
