I hate your face
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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