Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
