well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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