I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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