How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
