Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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