I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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