I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
