Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
