guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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