im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
a search helicopter?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
