Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
