I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
