But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
