if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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