upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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