good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
